The best way to ask for help (and actually get it)
A simple 5 step framework
As a professor, I hold two “office hours” a week, where students can turn up unannounced and get help with any academic issues they're struggling with. I teach nearly 300 students, so you'd think there would be a long line outside my office (or Zoom waiting room) - but every week, only one or two people show up.
Of course, there are many reasons why students rarely attend office hours or ask for help in general, but one major obstacle is fear. I understand where they're coming from: as a student, I was afraid to ask my professors for help with material I didn't understand. Even with professors I'd worked with and knew quite well, I still found it awkward to ask them to write reference letters for my graduate school and job applications. In both cases, I thought my request was a “big ask” (even though now, I realise it doesn't take up too much time).
If you're afraid to ask for something you need at work, you're not alone. Two out of three employees prefer to work without assistance, and one in three employees are afraid to make “big asks” from their boss, like for a promotion, time off, or flexible working hours.
Studies show that there are three types of fears that prevent us from asking for help:
Fear that others will think negatively about you. Social psychologists found that we typically perceive help as a threat to our self-esteem, a sign of weakness or incompetence. But research studies have found that people who make requests are actually seen as more competent, not less - as long as the request is carefully thought out. (Our guide below explains how you can make your request appear that way.)
Fear of rejection. Brain scans show that we process rejection in the same way as physical pain - so it really does hurt when people turn us down. The desire to avoid being hurt can prevent us from even attempting to ask. But we severely underestimate how willing other people are to help us. Workplace studies found that most employees are actually “overly generous givers”: we gladly help others but don’t ask for what we need.
Fear that we don't deserve or haven't earned it. This belief is known as “impostor syndrome”, and at least half of employees have experienced it at some point in their career (with higher proportions in certain jobs and backgrounds).
But at work, there's usually no way to get what we want or need without asking for it. 70-90% of the help that employees receive comes from requests they make. Or, in the words of Wayne Gretzky, one of the most successful ice hockey players in history: “You will never get what you don’t ask for.”
In this article, we'll present 5 research-backed tips that will maximise your chance of success when asking for something at work. We'll focus on requests that seem like a “big ask”, like
Having a colleague work on a task for (or with) you,
Taking time off work (using up some of your annual leave) or having more flexible working hours,
Permission to spend company funds for your work or your professional training/development.
(If you're seeking feedback at work, we've already written a guide on how to effectively ask for that, which you can read here.)
1. Plan ahead
Before you make your “big ask”, you need to define exactly what you're asking for. Think about these questions:
What specific outcome(s) do you want from the conversation? Include as many details as you can. (For example, asking for “a 4-day workweek where you work 8am-7pm on Mondays to Thursdays but have Friday to Sunday off” rather than simply asking for “more flexible working arrangements”.)
Who should you ask and why? Identify the right person based on their time, resources, skills, and authority. (For example, your company policy may state who has the authority to approve your flexible working arrangements.) If you can, get advice from colleagues who've made similar requests. If they were successful, what did they do to get a “yes”? If they weren't, what would they have done differently?
Why do you want these outcome(s)? Make a list of the reasons, emphasising the benefits to the company and the person you're asking, rather than the benefits to you. (For example, flexible working hours could improve your productivity and allow you to respond to clients from other time zones more quickly.)
On what basis should the other party grant your request? Collect data, examples, and other evidence that would help convince the other party that your request is worth considering. (For example, if you want to take Fridays off, use your work calendar from the past year to demonstrate that your workload is the lightest on that day.)
Which parts of the outcome(s) are you willing to compromise on? You need a backup plan in case your original request is rejected. For example, would you be willing to have a 4-day workweek with Wednesdays off instead of Fridays? Would you accept a pay raise of 2% instead of 5%? Is it fine if your colleague agrees to take on some of your work tasks but not others?
2. Create the “path of least resistance”
Do everything you can to make it easy for the other party to say “yes”. Think of any potential obstacles and find ways to remove or minimise them. For example:
If your request involves paperwork, find all the necessary forms and highlight the parts that the other party needs to read or sign.
If your request involves getting someone else to do your work, prepare a handover document explaining exactly what needs to be done, and create a Dropbox folder with all the files they'll need.
If your request involves flexible working arrangements, create a shared calendar detailing when you'll be working outside the office and how your colleagues can reach you at any given time. Set up the Zoom/virtual meeting links in advance so your colleagues won't have to. Discuss your arrangements with colleagues and get their agreement before approaching your boss.
These preparations demonstrate careful planning and consideration for others, which could make them more likely to reciprocate (by agreeing to your request).
3. Make your request in person
Whenever possible, make your “big ask” in person rather than over email or on a phone call.
In controlled research settings (holding everything constant except the medium used to make the request), in-person requests have higher success rates compared to phone calls or emails. The reason is that face-to-face interactions create a stronger emotional impact, allowing you to show sincerity and urgency through non-verbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice.
So, consider arranging a coffee meeting or a brief face-to-face chat instead of relying solely on digital communication. If your job is mostly remote, schedule a virtual meeting so you can see each other's faces.
4. Make your request SMART
The other party has a higher chance of saying “yes” if they know exactly what they're agreeing to do for you. The SMART acronym helps you frame your request clearly:
Specific - what goal are you trying to achieve? Use the questions in step #1 to narrow down your goal.
Meaningful - why do you need to achieve this goal? Give up to three arguments (depending on how “big” the ask is), using the data and facts you gathered in step #1 to support your points as much as possible.
Action-oriented - what should the other party do for you? This point should cover specific actions that would lead you to your goal.
Realistic - the other party should be able to complete your request (for example, have the necessary time, resources, and authority).
Time-bound - when should the other party complete your request? Give specific deadlines where possible.
The delivery of your request also matters: it's not just what you say, but also how you say it. Remember to use a respectful tone, check that it's a good time to talk with the other party before making your request, and leave sufficient time for the other party to complete your request (don't leave it until the last minute!).
5. Have a backup plan
If the other party says “no”, try:
Modifying your original request. Focus on the aspects (identified in Step #1) that you're willing to compromise on, and ask the other party what they're willing to compromise on. For example, if you want flexible working hours, you could agree on a one-month trial period before your boss makes the final decision.
Waiting some time before asking them again. Studies have found that if someone initially rejects your request, they're more likely to accept the second time. According to organisational researcher Daniel Newark, part of the reason is discomfort: “Having already said no once, it can be more guilt-inducing and uncomfortable to say no a second time… When someone tells us no, it could be because of circumstances that have nothing to do with a person’s willingness to help, and in the long run, we’ll be better off if we’re not quick to write people off after a single rejection.” So don't be afraid to ask someone who's rejected you in the past - they may say “yes” this time.
Asking someone else. If your request doesn't require a specific person's help, thank the person who rejected you and find someone else. For example, you could say: "I completely understand, not to worry. Thank you for considering it anyway."
You did it!
If your request is accepted, express your appreciation sincerely. A simple "Thank you so much for agreeing to help; it means a lot to me" can reinforce the positive interaction.
Additionally, follow up later with an update on how their help made a difference. I love receiving handwritten notes or a brief email of thanks. For example:
✅ “Thank you for putting in a good word to my boss about my performance on our last project - I got a promotion and am excited to take on these new responsibilities!”
By reporting back, you’re closing the loop of the request you made. It deepens the relationship and makes people more willing to help you in the future too.